Right Back Up

Right, I THINK I should now be finally able to post on here daily again. I am really unsure if anyone other than me actually has been on this website, or has been on it more than bloody ONCE, but I always had the intention in mind to post daily on Canadian life activities, which by the way have become very similar to UK life activities, except in a beautiful country.

So i’m trying to remember how I laid this all out, before doing random rushed posts using stolen internet. The best thing to do would probably be to consider the best and worst films I have seen lately, out of the ones I actually have a bit of an opinion on.

Oh also, don’t expect many photos in these things for a while. I used to take them all on my iphone, as it was always on me and available instantly without finding, unpacking, booting up, holding steady and then transferring to a hard drive.. But I decided to go and loose that a few days before leaving for Canada. Because I hate my possessions, I’ve got a fetish for insurance policies which don’t pay out, and love spending money on things I already own.

Worst Film I’ve Seen Lately – Cargo. (Slate)

Right firstly, obviously this film isn’t bad in like a straight up terribly made and purest boring crap kind of way, like Star Quest (hilarious). It’s bad in an insulting way. In a could have been so much better and obviously had some talented people in the crew somewhere, but they unfortunately had not watched any new films since coming up with their script idea and set pieces when they were 12.

I can’t even be bothered to explain it, because saying it’s set in space, it’s got a slight horror element, there’s some of that shady who can you trust and who’s going to reverse their characters personality at any moment, and it throws in a bit of a we’re living in The Matrix… saying all that means whatever you’re thinking cannot possibly be far from what it’s actually like. As long as you don’t engage any imagination or consider originality.

The ‘cargo’ in this film is not some experimental biological weapon alien thing that hunts down the crew for a laugh, as the trailer and the opening act of the film REALLY try to make you think it is. It’s actually some sleeping humans in a tank (first of many Aliens references/rip offs) which are being transported to a planet called Brea. Or something like that. This film is German by the way, and translations of names never really seem to work too well. Anyway, Brea or Bueno as I’ll call it, is actually just some simulation. Don’t worry you would have guessed it wasn’t real the SECOND it was mentioned as the adverts for this planet are straight out of Logan’s Run/The Island/Total Recall, and people are being sent to ‘live’ on it in (actually a floating space station surrounding it as the planet is an inhibitable hell hole) when they finally save up enough money to actually live back on land, as Earth is long dead, covered in dog poo, and stinks.

Again, that’s not true, holy fucking balls these shocks take it out of you. It’s some kind of control that keeps people floating round space, saving for something that doesn’t exist because that’s the only way to keep people happy or… christ I was kind of paying attention to this thing and it still didn’t go in for shit. Also there’s some terrorists that know Earth is still there and fresh, but they’ve had their mugs on every news broadcast ever and are basically being Bin Laden-d into intergalactic targets of hate.

I’m quite impressed by how much of that film I actually recalled, as I thought the only thing I would remember was the insanely not-at-all-acting acting, the 1970′s day time television level of CG effects, the seeing every line coming from a mile off like it’s a 5 page children’s book made into an episode of sesame street that you yourself wrote, and what suffices for a romance scene to prepare for the expected sacrifice of ones life for love that inevitably comes… That was the best part. Don’t want to spoil anything, as I presume you WILL see this, but 2 people who are complete strangers and perhaps suspect each other of being complete wobbling dicks are forced into conversation, mid sentence the bloke gives the woman a very awkward smooch, followed by an undressing of each other montage, then they pretty much never speak again, until the end of the film, where they confesses their love while flying through space in some flimsy looking suits, with one of them SOMEHOW surviving. By that point though, they way the woman makes it to safety will be completely expected after the torrent of bullshit you’ve had rained on you throughout.

After the first 2/3 times, you do actually get bored of shouting “AS FUCKING IF, THIS MOVIE IS A MICROWAVED TURD, YOU SEE THAT SHIT?? I KNOW THIS IS SCIENCE FICTION AND WE’RE DEALING VERY PRECARIOUSLY WITH LAWS OF REALITY AND POSSIBILITY HERE BUT… FUUUUCK THIIIIIS” and just sit there to hope whatever’s happening will stop happening soon.

I’ve also just realised it is MUCH easier (and kind of fun) to slate the bisexual jesus out of a film then it is to sit down and properly pay respect to something that’s really impressed you. Probably because we (or me?) seem to have developed way more terms for insulting than complimenting, and dismissing something as crap, because it is, can be done no problem, rather than point out in any intelligent manner what you feel made a film great. If I knew what made films capture my mind and attention, then I surely should be able to create something of similar excellence myself, to some extent, and first of all.. I can’t do that, and secondly, perhaps that would then in turn make the film itself seem standard anyway? So on that note..

The Best Film I’ve Seen In A Good While – Shame (Rate)

I’ve seen ALOT of amazing films lately. Most of them I should have seen a long time ago, some of them I had completely missed and others I had been putting off for some reason, in favor of light entertainment and fear that I wouldn’t give a film it’s deserved attention.

Shame isn’t as visually mind blowing as Enter The Void, or as ridden with visual metaphors and open for interpretation as Melancholia, but it straight up sucks you into a very real life story, leaving you (me) unable to really explain why, other than I put it on, for the entirety of it’s length I thought of nothing else, and when it finished I knew I was going to watch it again very soon.

There are SO many scenes where you’re like Fassbender IS the man, both in his portrayal of the character, and the actual actions of the character. Which is guess is the main subject of the film, the juxtaposition between his obvious success in business and with women, and his desperate addiction to getting off in pretty much any way possible, resulting in various degrees of self deprecation, the pushing away of real relationships (especially with his sister) and expressions of anger in not wholly justifiable ways.

Basically the man has a life you could envy, with a behind the scenes addiction that he shares with no one, which you would definitely not. The film is the first time I’ve seen a proper relatable and understandable point being made out of sex addiction, and sheds a very serious and understandably bright light on the subject, which was probably the main reason behind it’s production. Rather than an excuse for Writer/Director Steve McQueen to see his favorite actor get his ass out again. That’s probably the most unserious sentence said about any of his films by anyone so far.

The front photo is firstly just so I could actually HAVE a front photo, the shame of how many tissues I use to eat one sandwich, and a visual reference to a regular occupation of the main character.